Published May 16, 2010
Of deepest blues, and somber grays
Out his window, a little boy did gaze
A meadow far across the land
A mass of blossoms filled it’s span
Such sweet aromas filled the air
One could not help but want to be there
If he could only escape for a moment, or two
To run amongst the lily’s blue
And so he did upon that day, before the sunset
To run, and play
In such glistening of the flowers
The boy outlived his limited hours
For when the sun had gone away
The buds showed pale, and ghostly gray
What at first appears as joyous, and fun
Is merely an illusion, made by the sun
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hello White Rabbit. I saw the title and I had to read it, mostly because it had Lilly in it.
Okay, I understand that you’re trying make this rhyme, I think your first line sounds a little clumsy. If you could find some way to write this with even two fewer syllables, it would sound less clumsy and cumbersome.
Okay, you’re trying to rhyme. So why isn’t ‘day’ the last word of the first sentence?
I like that you tried to make the rhyming consistent but you make some of the lines sound forced which kind of ruins the concept. Try not to do this.
What I really enjoyed, however, was just how dark of a poem this was. I mean, you start off with this lovely, vibrant sunny idea but all of the sudden, in those last two lines, it takes what you’ve written for us and you’ve made it a much darker more mature poem. Just like that. Very cool!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask ‘em. The Lil’ Shop of Q&A is always open!
~lilymoore
Great poem White Rabbit!
It is quite compelling with a great ending and your ryhmes hit all the right notes to get and keep me hooked all the through.
your flow was great through out and I didn't see any mistakes.
Keep writing!
-Dawn
Well hello! I agree with the comments above. And you should start to review. It's quite fun and it helps other writers learn about what they need to work on while writing. I enjoyed the poem. It was very upbeat but had a little dark twist to it. It title is good it makes the readers think about what your poems going to be about. You do need to work on your rhyming. Put more detail, but all in all this was a pretty nice poem.
Hello there. You might want to get around to reviewing other users' works. Not only will it get you more reviews, but it'll also get you the points you need to post works of your own.
As far as your poem goes, I think you tried too hard to rhyme. There's much more to a rhyme than just having the words at the end of the line rhyme; the lengths of the lines need to be consistent, and there needs to be a pattern to the rhyming. You have a pattern, but not all your lines are of the same length, which throws off the rhyme.
Another thing you need to make sure of is that you're making sense. Punctuation is lacking in this poem, which makes it difficult to understand, and the way you have some lines phrased adds to the confusion. A good way to check that your poem makes sense is to write it out like regular prose. If it still reads well, then you're good; if not, you need to fix something. As-is, the first few lines do not make sense.
If you write it out in regular form, it becomes "Of deepest blues, and somber grays out his window, a little boy did gaze a meadow far across the land..." That doesn't make much sense, and there's no way of telling where one sentence/thought ends and the other begins.
Overall, the idea behind the poem was pretty good, but you need more practice with the basics. Punctuate your poem properly, make sure what you're writing makes sense, and don't force the rhymes, and you'll be off to a good start.
it is a beautiful pieces I really did enjoy going through it as I read Icould feel as if I was present in that window. and the sense of joy created in the second
And so he did upon that day, before the sunset
To run, and play
In such glistening of the flowers
The boy outlived his limited hours
For when the sun had gone away
The buds showed pale, and ghostly gray
Which happens to be the stanza I love most was one in a kind.
The only thing I would love you to work on is the concluding two lines they seem to be kind of and explanation to the whole poem and its actually not needed.